Truth in Love | Responding in Truth and Love

Whoever said that being a Christian made life easier?! I’m not sure what “Christian life” they’re talking about, but it’s been my experience that walking with Jesus and seeking to follow His teachings has been anything but easy! It has certainly been better… just not easier. One example of this is trying to follow Paul’s exhortation to speak the truth in love. It seems so often that I can either speak the truth without the right spirit of love and respect for the other person, or I can act “lovingly” but hide the truth.

While I recognize these kinds of difficult commands can best be accomplished by the overflow of God’s love in us and through us, I have also found a few helpful tips along the way through the teachings of good counselors, who have learned to work with people to help resolve their relationship difficulties. I’d like to offer one of those tips here. It’s known as the “STOP Process” and was introduced to me by Carolyn Rexius, the founding director of CAFA (Christians As Family Advocates).

How the “STOP Process” might help us in speaking the truth in love is that it trains us to thoughtfully respond rather than hastily react to someone who rubs us the wrong way. Here’s how it works: when we experience the brunt of someone’s anger, criticism, or otherwise negative attitude, we learn to slow down and examine the situation before reacting with defensiveness or a counter-attack. When our emotions are triggered and we are tempted to react quickly, if we follow these few steps we may well be able to respond out of love and respect.

The “S” literally stands for “STOP”. Take some time before reacting or saying anything. Picture a STOP sign in your mind. Take 10 deep breaths and ask yourself a question or two. This brings the situation out of your fight or flight brain and into your thinking brain. The two don’t work well together!

The “T” stands for “Take Time to Identify Your Feelings.” Why is it that you’re reacting with such strong emotion to what was said or done? Be honest.

The “O” stands for “Opt to Give Yourself and the Other Person the Benefit of the Doubt.” What might the other person have been going through that has them stressed or angry before they even encountered you? What are you going through? Realize you also might be especially tired, hungry or stressed from other aspects of your life that make this current situation seem worse than it is.

The “P” stands for “Process the Event from a Place of Self-value, with Openness, Curiosity, Humility and Compassion.” After all this thinking brain work (which is also the part of the brain where our compassion and spirituality resides), we are much more likely to let go of our defensiveness and be able to respond to the other person from a place of reason and thoughtfulness, which has the effect of de-escalating the rough emotions all around.

As I’ve mentioned, this is not necessarily an easy process, but it does become easier and more automatic over time and with practice. The Lord always helps us when we attempt to follow his ways. There are numerous scriptures we can turn to as well:

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Proverbs 23:7
For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.

Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

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About the Author

John lives in Pleasant Hill with his dog, Gunnar, and a multitude of guests who enjoy the peace and beauty of the Cascade foothills. With three children and three grandchildren all living in Oregon, he is continually blessed with their company and the good food that always accompanies their get-togethers!

Ephesians 4 | Living Out Our Deepest Values

In my walk as a Christian and my journey through this life, I’m always looking for direction and reminders for living out my deepest values and allowing them to guide my choices, big and small.

How wonderful that we have the bible to guide us! The second part of Ephesians 4 in the New International Version, is clearly subtitled, “Instructions for Christian Living.” If you’re on a mission to live well as a Christian too, I’d say “look no further;” although the bible is full of these instructions, so do look further! For now, here is what Paul instructs us to do in Ephesians 4:

• Speak truthfully to your neighbor

• In your anger, do not sin

• Do not steal, do honest work

• Have something to share with those in need

• Speak “what is helpful for building others up according to their needs”

• Do not grieve the holy spirit

• Get rid of bitterness, rage and anger

• Be kind and compassionate to one another

• Forgive one another

I feel like when I was young, I was taught to be kind as if it was easy, and for the most part I found that it was. I may have a selective memory, but I don’t remember having any significant conflict of my own. My siblings and I got along well (until the summer we spent playing Nintendo). But as I got older I found myself facing conflicts and feeling angry. Even in my desire to be kind, I found myself hurting others with my words and actions. Being kind suddenly wasn’t so easy. As adults, we are challenged by this world and the instructions Paul gives us become more like instructions for putting together furniture, simple pictures that don’t pan out so well when put into action.

Looking at these instructions as an experienced adult, familiar with many of life's challenges, I notice how these instructions are saying so much more. Three stand out:

1. “In your anger, do not sin.” Paul acknowledges our anger and that we do have it, that it is a reality in this world. I appreciate that recognition so that we can learn to face it with good choices, learning how to respond “in our anger” so that when it bubbles up, we do not sin.

2. Speak “what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.” This is written as, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29.

   What really speaks to me here is that he adds “according to their needs.” I hear Paul telling us to choose our words carefully, recognizing who we are speaking to and how those words will be received, to use words that “benefit those who listen.” This is a wonderful reminder for me when I feel convicted in my truth and want to share “my wisdom” with my children. They may not hear it as I intended if I am not careful to choose words that are “helpful for building others up,” specifically words that will land well with the person I am speaking to.

3. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger.” Now this is a project. I also just shared how grateful I am that Paul recognizes that we do have anger, so what does that make us if we feel anger, yet are also instructed to “get rid of all .. anger?” It makes us a work in progress. This may mean we are working through old traumas or simply replacing a sharp reaction with a deep breath and a smile. Either way, the end goal (that we may never reach) keeps us progressing and living out our deepest values, by bringing God’s grace and love to each choice we make, big and small.

In summary, Ephesians 4 reminds me to strive for a pure heart with no bitterness, rage or anger by speaking words that are helpful in building others up, so that in moments of anger I will not sin. This helps me live out my deepest values of contributing kindness, sharing God’s love and encouragement with others, and living with a positive perspective and a deep gratitude to our Lord. And when I stumble, I can remember that I am a work in progress and be kind and encouraging to myself! I hope you will do the same.

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About the Author

Leona is a wife, mother and traveler who is intrigued by how different people live. Her latest project is exploring ways that different walks of life can simplify, in order to live a fulfilling journey.