“Behave in a way you can be proud of,” is a phrase that’s been running through my mind off and on since March. In some moments I am successful and in many, I am not. But still, this phrase encourages me to keep trying.
Yesterday a work phone call began with the customary “How are you?” I responded with a neutral, “I’m okay.” This prompted my co-worker, who I’ve never met in person, to express concern and ask if there was anything she could do to help. I appreciated her tenderness, but at the same time, I wonder if it’s time to just stop asking people how they’re doing if the only answer we’re willing to accept is a cheerful “I’m good.”
Usually I do give the customary answer. But to be honest, at this point in the pandemic, “I’m good,” would be a dishonest response from me. Even “I’m okay” may be a stretch. And considering the pandemic, it probably shouldn’t require an explanation.
But, here’s a more accurate answer. I have been quarantined at home with my very energetic children for three months. I have been working from my home part-time, while homeschooling my extremely oppositional 8-year-old and also caring for my 5-year-old son. Each day is exhausting and emotionally draining, and often involves breaking up a number of physical fights between kids, being screamed at for setting limits on screen time, and locking myself in time out so I can practice deep breathing.
Those are the personal struggles I’m dealing with on a daily basis. Additionally, I’m feeling the collective anxiety and grief of our nation as we face crises on several fronts — public health, economic, and political.
I think we need to be sober and honest with ourselves in this moment. For many of us, these are dark, dark times. Yes, the COVID pandemic will end, perhaps as soon as next year when a vaccine arrives. But we should not minimize the lives that have been lost and will be lost before this is over. And this other pandemic we are now reckoning with, the pandemic of racism, is also far from over, and has also taken many lives. The African American poet Clint Smith speaks to this moment succinctly in his poem “When people say, ‘We have made it through worse before:’”
Sometimes the moral arc of the universe does not bend in a direction that will comfort us. Sometimes it bends in ways that we don’t expect & there are people who fall off in the process...I have grown weary of telling myself lies that I might one day begin to believe. We are not all left standing after the war has ended.
Reckoning with racism forces many white Americans to face an internal ugliness that we would prefer to pretend has never existed. Acknowledging the prevalence of racism in our nation’s past and present, and being willing to look into our own hearts to confront racism that may exist inside of us is a painful ask. It’s a lot to reckon with, in addition to the grief and uncertainty we are facing right now with COVID. We would prefer to keep racism packed away neatly in a dark corner of our unconscious, because it makes us uncomfortable, so we never ever talk about it.
Black people and their allies have brought racism to the forefront of our national conversation lately, out of necessity. Because racism is a life and death issue for them, as we’ve seen in the many murders of unarmed black people by police officers.
For me, being quarantined has felt a bit like being on a really long airplane ride, and now it feels as though the airplane itself might be crashing. COVID is not done with us yet, and neither are our national struggles with racism. How will we make it through to the other side? And do I even trust the pilot?
I had a good conversation with my friend Britni the other day about self-care and she reminded me why it’s so important — you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. You’re not much good to those around you in the plane crash if you’ve passed out from lack of oxygen.
So, even though the people around me need a lot of help — my sweet children who just want to go to school and see their friends, the low-income families I work with who have preschoolers with disabilities — I can’t effectively support any of them if I don’t take care of my own emotional wellbeing. Even though I may want to dive into anti-racist work and contribute to efforts of racial reconciliation, I also cannot do this effectively if I don’t stay grounded in my own self-care.
These are some strategies I’ve been using to nurture my emotional wellbeing. This time is still a huge challenge for me personally, but these strategies are helping me cope:
Exercise. Running, yoga, and walking have been helping me through this season. Did you know that running can be as effective as anti-depressants in treating mild to moderate depression?
Gratitude journaling. I try to write down things I’m thankful for in my gratitude journal before I go to bed. This helps train my mind to focus on positives.
Spend time reading Scripture. Scripture is one important way that God can speak to us and bring us comfort and guidance. One verse that has helped me through challenging times is Isaiah 43, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” This verse reminds me that God has a purpose for me and will guide me through whatever challenges may come.
Mindful breathing and contemplative prayer. This is a practice I’ve been trying to adopt recently. I’m struggling with consistency, but this is an area of growth for me. Even when my mind is unable to stay focused enough for contemplative prayer, I benefit from a few minutes of stillness and deep breathing.
Talking about emotions. In May I read the book Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett, which is all about emotional regulation. One thing I learned is that just being able to label and express our emotions helps us to stay emotionally regulated. Writing can also serve this purpose.
Practicing kindness. Finally, once I’ve put on my own oxygen tank with these other practices, I can practice kindness toward others (which also in turn makes me feel good). Practicing kindness can look as simple as feeding my children or doing chores around the house, but I’m also thankful that helping others is part of my paid work. During this pandemic, I’ve had the opportunity to coordinate delivery of necessities like food, clothing, and diapers to some of the families I work with. Jesus calls us to “love your neighbor as yourself,” and practicing kindness brings us one step closer to this commandment. Aligning ourselves with God’s commandments is an integral component of emotional wellbeing.
How are you nurturing your own emotional wellbeing during this time? My hope for each of us is that by taking time in this season to do some hard internal work, we can emerge transformed and will be able to look back on this season knowing that we did our best to behave in a way that we can be proud of.
About the Author
Ursula and her husband Spencer have two young children, and their family enjoys playing hide-and-seek and dancing in the living room. She works as a communications and events coordinator with the University of Oregon.
You can read more from Ursula at motherbearblog.com.
