In Genesis 1, the earth is described as “formless and void or a waste of emptiness, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.” Has your life ever felt like this depiction? Have you ever experienced hopelessness or helplessness? Thinking back over my own journey, I can recall multiple times my life felt chaotic and left me feeling desperate. Generally speaking, those times included a lack of health or mental soundness. Beyond the stigma and various diagnoses of psychosis lies a variety of symptoms that individuals struggle with from time to time. For me, these encompass racing thoughts, a lack of ability to focus, grandiose beliefs, over-spiritualizing everything, and decreased sleep. Once I come down from this cliff, I often find myself in a deep pit of despair. I can’t think straight. All I want to do is scream and cry. I have no energy to do anything. I feel worthless and alone.
My deepest point of desolation occurred during a period of hospitalization in a Behavioral Health Unit; while I should have been enjoying one of the most joyous parts of my marriage, my honeymoon. I endured two weeks of what felt like the deepest pit of isolation and confusion. Little did I know that just like in Genesis, “the Spirit of God was moving and hovering” over my life just waiting to speak light into my darkness. I felt a longing for familiarity and closeness with God during that time.
I don’t know about yours, but my life seems to be a cycle of me falling apart and the Lord graciously putting me back together again. When I am weary, dry and parched, then the LORD speaks to me saying, “I the God of Israel, will never abandon them. I will open up rivers for them on the high plateaus. I will give them fountains of water in the valleys. I will fill the desert with pools of water. Rivers fed by springs will flow across the parched ground. I will plant trees in barren deserts. I am doing this so all who see this miracle will understand what it means, that it is the Lord who has done this, the Holy One of Israel who created it.” (Isaiah 41: 12-20).
When I was finally released from that prison of broken dreams and the whirlwind of emotions, I found myself seeking Him and Him alone. I knew He was the only thing that could mend my fragmented heart. As soon as I was home from the hospital, I spent hours listening to sermons and worship music. I would set aside contemplative time for meditative quietness. Then, I experienced what is described in Jeremiah 31:3-4a “The Lord appeared to me saying, ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you. Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt’.” And just as he always does, he lived up to his promise. He rebuilt my life from the ashes. He blessed me with a loving, understanding, compassionate husband, a challenging and rewarding job, a sound mind, and fervent passion for His wisdom and love in my life.
I have learned as in Romans 12:12 to “rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, and be constant in prayer.” Sometimes hope seems so distant and too far off. That is when I have found it helpful to be faithful in just one step. I am unsure of where you find yourself, but I challenge you to ponder what the one step towards hope could be in your life. Be encouraged by Romans 5:5 “Such hope (in God’s promises) never disappoints us, because God’s love has been abundantly poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
About the Author
Mollie is recently married to her wonderful husband Dustin. She is a Wound Care RN at McKenzie Willamette Hospital. She enjoys being creative, getting outdoors and spending time with friends and family.
