Joyous Lament | A Look into Joyous Lamenting

It seems to me we humans are practically geniuses when it comes to avoiding pain, sorrow or suffering. Some of us seek out drugs, alcohol, food or sex to avoid our pain and then run the risk of becoming addicted to our “drug of choice”.

But there are so many other, more subtle ways of avoiding pain that may go more easily unnoticed, until something in our lives breaks down and brings it all to our attention or to the attention of our friends and family. One of these things might be working to the point of neglecting everything else, a condition known as “workaholism”. One way might be buying things, a condition we could call “shopping therapy”. Another might be sports and games which we move toward whenever we have free time. And one very common way we try to avoid pain is by denying it altogether! This may be the most subtle of all our tactics. It’s a bit of a mental game we play which can pose as a very spiritual practice. 

We Christians are especially good at this one. When we are hurting, we’ve learned to say “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m fine.” Quickly turning from the suffering or pain, we jump ahead to the declarations, “God is good! I have faith! I’m not really sick or hurt or grieving or lonely or angry, etc.”

It seems to me that while we certainly do want to claim God’s power to heal, His goodness and our faith in Him, we would do well to first acknowledge the truth of the matter and submit to what our bodies and souls are trying to tell us! My wife used to say, “Our bodies never lie.” I think she was so right about that. What is that tightness around our shoulders really about? What is that gnawing sensation in our stomachs really trying to tell us? Why am I sweating when it’s not hot out? Why do I look the other way when I see a troubling scene? The answer is not always obvious and sometimes we might not get an answer until after the fact, but at the very least we can tell God about it!

This is where some of God’s people can help us. The people who wrote the Psalms understood very well the importance of being honest with God. They understood that God was OK with our honesty. Didn’t Jesus say, “The truth will set us free?” I think one of my favorite examples of honesty in the Bible is from the writer of Lamentations 3:19-24:

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me.

Only then does the writer say:

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” 

This is such a good example to me of the importance of being open and honest with God, while still remembering His goodness, love, faithfulness and power to work in our lives. And the result of this is a kind of deep joy and peace. This is why we can call our troubles “joyous lamenting”. 

One practice I’ve been taught for helping me not avoid my negative feelings is called the Welcoming Prayer. It’s simply that when we recognize fear, hurt, grief, anger or any hard or negative feeling, we don’t push it out of our consciousness and seek some kind of salve to dull it. Instead, we acknowledge it and then say “Welcome, grief! Welcome, anger! Welcome, hurt!” We welcome it into our deepest soul, where then God can deal with it and show us how best to deal with it. 

I know this Welcoming Prayer sounds a bit crazy:), but try it! You may just find yourself experiencing the healthy joy of the Lord sooner than you would have thought. The power of the negative feeling is overwhelmed and diminished, but not denied, knowing that God is actively involved… and He knows best how to work in any situation. This opens wide the door for “joyous lament”!

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About the Author

John lives in Pleasant Hill with his dog, Gunnar, and a multitude of guests who enjoy the peace and beauty of the Cascade foothills. With three children and three grandchildren all living in Oregon, he is continually blessed with their company and the good food that always accompanies their get-togethers!

Truth in Love | Responding in Truth and Love

Whoever said that being a Christian made life easier?! I’m not sure what “Christian life” they’re talking about, but it’s been my experience that walking with Jesus and seeking to follow His teachings has been anything but easy! It has certainly been better… just not easier. One example of this is trying to follow Paul’s exhortation to speak the truth in love. It seems so often that I can either speak the truth without the right spirit of love and respect for the other person, or I can act “lovingly” but hide the truth.

While I recognize these kinds of difficult commands can best be accomplished by the overflow of God’s love in us and through us, I have also found a few helpful tips along the way through the teachings of good counselors, who have learned to work with people to help resolve their relationship difficulties. I’d like to offer one of those tips here. It’s known as the “STOP Process” and was introduced to me by Carolyn Rexius, the founding director of CAFA (Christians As Family Advocates).

How the “STOP Process” might help us in speaking the truth in love is that it trains us to thoughtfully respond rather than hastily react to someone who rubs us the wrong way. Here’s how it works: when we experience the brunt of someone’s anger, criticism, or otherwise negative attitude, we learn to slow down and examine the situation before reacting with defensiveness or a counter-attack. When our emotions are triggered and we are tempted to react quickly, if we follow these few steps we may well be able to respond out of love and respect.

The “S” literally stands for “STOP”. Take some time before reacting or saying anything. Picture a STOP sign in your mind. Take 10 deep breaths and ask yourself a question or two. This brings the situation out of your fight or flight brain and into your thinking brain. The two don’t work well together!

The “T” stands for “Take Time to Identify Your Feelings.” Why is it that you’re reacting with such strong emotion to what was said or done? Be honest.

The “O” stands for “Opt to Give Yourself and the Other Person the Benefit of the Doubt.” What might the other person have been going through that has them stressed or angry before they even encountered you? What are you going through? Realize you also might be especially tired, hungry or stressed from other aspects of your life that make this current situation seem worse than it is.

The “P” stands for “Process the Event from a Place of Self-value, with Openness, Curiosity, Humility and Compassion.” After all this thinking brain work (which is also the part of the brain where our compassion and spirituality resides), we are much more likely to let go of our defensiveness and be able to respond to the other person from a place of reason and thoughtfulness, which has the effect of de-escalating the rough emotions all around.

As I’ve mentioned, this is not necessarily an easy process, but it does become easier and more automatic over time and with practice. The Lord always helps us when we attempt to follow his ways. There are numerous scriptures we can turn to as well:

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Proverbs 23:7
For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.

Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

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About the Author

John lives in Pleasant Hill with his dog, Gunnar, and a multitude of guests who enjoy the peace and beauty of the Cascade foothills. With three children and three grandchildren all living in Oregon, he is continually blessed with their company and the good food that always accompanies their get-togethers!

Love Your Enemies | The Freedom of Forgiveness

What started out as an innocent misunderstanding with a neighbor has turned into a cold war of unforgiveness and limited contact. We live in the same townhouse complex, directly across the driveway from each other. Our last regular conversation ended last year, with her shouting at me “I will never talk to you again!” This is difficult to do, because she has developed a surrogate mother-daughter relationship with my immediate, next-door neighbor, whose front door is less than 6 feet from mine. I see this angry neighbor every day.

She turns her back to me if we pass each other on the sidewalk. And when she sees me pulling weeds in my front yard as she walks her dog past my home, she will say critical things about me to her dog, in a voice loud enough for me to hear.

I hate this! I’ve apologized, but my invitations to talk things over with her are ignored with no eye contact. I am no stranger to the silent treatment. One of my primary relatives would not talk to me for days even when I was a child, while we lived in the same house.

When I chose my personal relationship with Christ as my life’s priority, and took time to read my Bible, I learned it was my responsibility to initiate the healing by forgiving others first. I would make attempts to forgive regardless of the other person’s response, but I did not know how to manage my childhood pattern of responding with resentment and anxiety. Over the years, I found it easier to withdraw in self-protection.

Matthew 5:44-45 TPT
“However, I say to you, love your enemy, bless the one who curses you, do something wonderful for the one who hates you, and respond to the very ones who persecute you by praying for them. For that will reveal your identity as children of our heavenly Father.”

This tense situation has slowly escalated over the last year. And I’ve had the growing suspicion that Christ is giving me an opportunity to create new habits and better manage my emotions in a godly way. I started praying for my resistant neighbor, and a surprising thing happened.

On a particular morning I woke up feeling like a storm had passed. The usual buzz of tension and guilt I would wake up with was gone, and the air around my mind was quiet. I strongly felt this was no coincidence. Freedom comes with obedience. And I felt this glimpse of freedom was my reward. Praying for my neighbor is still not easy, but I am pressing into this obedience which is delivering me from my mind’s jail.

Importantly, this uncomfortable situation continues to reveal my incomplete areas. And I pray, ‘Lord help me to remember to bring my broken places to you so you can repair them with your healing love.’ My childhood pattern was to withdraw from the pain of being shut out. My broken relationship with my neighbor is teaching me to stop denying my dysfunction, face my responsibility, and choose instead to pray for her. This is the key part of my battle.

Matthew 5:45-46 TPT
“He is kind to all by bringing the sunrise to warm and rainfall to refresh, whether a person does what is good or evil. What reward do you deserve if you only love the loveable? Don’t even the tax collectors do that?”

I used to feel imprisoned and condemned by my relative’s anger and silent treatment, but Christ has spared me from spiritual death in a sustained rescue that has spanned decades. I see it clearly as I review my past life events. And I know that nothing can separate me from his love, and His love is all I need.

I feel Christ’s nudge guiding me to refuse darkness, as a type of victory, by turning my back on the disabling resentment that would try to attach itself to me. And to learn to laugh at the imperfect situations, because Christ has disarmed our spiritual adversary, who can no longer hurt us. This frees me to have empathy for my perceived enemies. Even to go the further step and pray for them!

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About the Author

Sara has attended CitySalt Church since 2004, the year it was founded. She studied Journalism, wrote for her college newspaper, and is a member of Oregon Christian Writers. Sara also enjoys singing hymns with friends: “there is a sermon in every hymn waiting to be discovered and enjoyed.”