Fruits of the Spirit | Kindness

Kindness has become a trendy buzzword lately. Kids see it in school rules: “Be kind, Be safe, Be responsible…” We see it on signs in people’s lawns. I recently discovered that there are even “kindness” clubs and committees in our communities, when a kindness club marched by in the Springfield Christmas parade. I think most people would agree that “kindness” is something to aspire to, something that helps our world in general, from the local to global levels. 

So why is it so hard to do? Why does our world still not get along? Why are there so many teen suicides because of bullying and other unkind acts? 

The answer is complex. Obviously, acts of aggression are a different ballgame than unkind words due to immature communication. But watching my new children interact, I think one likely cause is not knowing how to deal with anger. We get a hint of how anger and kindness are connected in the book of Ephesians:

Ephesians 4:25-27, 29 - 5:2 (NIV)
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin” [quoting Psalm 4:4]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 

To me, this passage speaks of a combination of healthy boundaries and love. Because God loves us and creates in us love for others, we are motivated to be kind. But we also need to have boundaries. Boundaries to protect us so we can speak truthfully to others about what we need and let them know when they’ve hurt us. We can use this skill when we’re angry and hurt to make the situation better instead of lashing out to cause more hurt. 

We can see this easily in children because they’re less subtle about it. They get hurt by their sibling/peer/etc. and retaliate instantly, causing escalation. Or if they don’t, they hold onto the anger, which gives “the devil a foothold” by allowing the anger to become bitterness and resentment or even eventually malice. We all do this sometimes but may not even realize it. 

But God provides a different way. He doesn’t say “Don’t be angry.” Instead He says “In your anger do not sin.” We can be honest with each other about our boundaries or what they’ve done to hurt us, but we can do so respectfully and kindly, out of love and compassion for that person. Not only with the intent to not hurt them, and not only to help them learn and grow, but also to maintain the relationship between us. We can help the other person see that we’re communicating our needs/hurts because we value their relationship. We can walk in the way of love, as Christ does for us. 

Today, after writing this post, one of our kids did a great job of demonstrating this principle. She’d misheard something I’d said and her feelings were understandably hurt. It took her a few minutes to tell her dad and I why she was upset, but she articulated it well. I was able to assure her of what I’d really meant, and she forgave me. Later I affirmed her great job of communicating. I’m so grateful that she didn’t lash out or hold on to the hurt, because I love her. 

Kindness. It’s not just a buzzword, but a way to heal our relationships and our world.

---

About the Author

Jessie is a novice writer, with several books in various stages and a blog about travel and the journeys of women. She is very excited to be a part of the CitySalt blog team. She has been blessed by a few communities of Christian writers that have encouraged her dream. She lives with her sweet husband, Chris, their 5 funny kids, and 1 fluffy cat in Springfield. She loves hiking and other outdoor and indoor adventures with her family.

Forgiveness | Learning Boundaries Within Forgiveness

I had several close childhood friendships that began in first grade and lasted into my college years. Every long friendship has its ups and downs, but one of these was particularly challenging. Our first grade teacher often confused “Anna” and I because we looked similar with our long dark hair and olive skin. We had a lot of fun, going to Brownies meetings, celebrating birthdays, getting muddy during soccer games, and having New Year’s Eve sleepovers where we stayed up late playing Mario on the Nintendo.

But this friend had a cruel streak. During one of my sleepovers at her house, she wiped her spit all over a toy I was just about to play with. In middle school she stopped talking to me for more than a year because one day I chose to have lunch with another friend. In high school, she put gum in her toddler sister’s hair and lied to her mom about it when she tried to explain what had happened.

Anna became the high school friend who would tell me mean things other people said about me, who would never bring me along to a party, but would tag along with my group of friends if she didn’t have anyone else to hang out with. I stayed her friend despite her meanness, and perhaps in part because of it. I knew she did not have many close friends; no one wanted to be treated so poorly. As a new Christian, I felt it was my duty to forgive and forgive again in order to show God’s love. I was a Christian doormat in my effort to be a life witness to that friend.

Still, I knew Anna was not a person I could trust. I was willing to practice kindness towards her and spend time with her, but over the years I put up more and more internal walls between myself and her. She stayed in touch with me through college, but when it came time to plan my wedding I didn’t include her in the wedding party. I know this hurt her feelings, although she wouldn’t let me see that.

That decision showed the limitations of my forgiveness. I could forgive, and I could be kind, and I could spend time with her if she needed. But as a repeated witness and victim of her mean streak, our friendship could not be restored to what it would have been had my trust not been broken time and again.

She ended up not coming to my wedding, and not returning my phone calls afterward. That was the end of our fifteen year friendship. I’ve wondered at times if I made the right choice not to have her in the wedding party. Would there have been any harm in including another person? Or does her decision not to come to my wedding or talk to me afterward prove that I made the right decision?

Maybe the wrong choice was actually in allowing the friendship to continue as long as it did without standing up for myself.

In the book of Romans, Paul writes, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Carefully consider what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12: 17-18.

Yet, there is a difference between living at peace with everyone and allowing people to treat you cruelly and take advantage of your kindness. A friendship is something that should be mutually enjoyed and beneficial to both parties. My friendship with Anna had morphed into something that was not actually a friendship; it was more akin to me subversively attempting to mentor her or be her free therapist.

This was not fair to me, but it was also not fair to her. By allowing our friendship to continue for so many years without confronting her negative behavior, I was being an enabler. For my part, our friendship was serving the purpose of making me feel like a Super Nice Person and a Good Christian.

After all was said and done, was it worth the many years I attempted to be a life witness to Anna, the times I brought her to church, the times she treated me as the ugly and forgotten Cinderella

The last time I’d seen her was a month or so before my wedding. She was visiting me at my parents’ house in Eugene. Anna said she wished she went to church because there were so many beautiful churches in downtown Portland near her apartment. That year she had gotten a cross tattoo on her ankle. We talked about my wedding plans, her job at Stumptown, about my upcoming college graduation. She said she wanted to start reading the Bible and asked if I had an extra one she could keep. I looked around and found an old one I was no longer using, with a hardback lilac cover that featured butterflies. She gave me a hug and was on her way.

Years later I bumped into her at the grocery store, when my eldest child was still tiny. I hugged her and introduced her to my toddler, then chatted briefly before taking off. She seemed bewildered — by what exactly?

My friendliness? My motherhood? My glossing over of the past?

Yes, it was all of that. All of that, and so much more.

Forgiveness and relationships go hand in hand, and both are often more complicated than expected. No friendship can be sustained in the long run unless both friends are willing to forgive each other their mistakes. And yet sometimes we are not forgiving in order to restore the friendship — sometimes the friendship unfortunately cannot be restored. In these cases, we forgive in order to bring healing to ourselves.

---

About the Author

Ursula and her husband Spencer have two young children, and their family enjoys playing hide-and-seek and dancing in the living room. She works as a communications and events coordinator with the University of Oregon. Ursula has also just become CitySalt’s new Children’s Ministry Director. Congratulations, Ursula! 

You can read more from Ursula at motherbearblog.com.