Cycles | Friendships

Some friends are for a season, some for a reason, and others for a lifetime.

I’m not sure where I picked this up. I want to say a teacher along the line. It’s seemed to hold water throughout my experience of friendships, and it undoubtedly stuck in my head. The concept was helpful for reconciling my disconnection with friends who have been particularly close in other “seasons” that seem so distant today.

My natural instinct has been to say between reason, season, and lifetime, that lifetime must be the ideal, right? With a dear friend, who would want that season to end? But seasons in my life like high school or college, you know, the “good ol’ days,” were special. And that team at work who tackled that serious challenge or the small group who truly cared for each other in a sweet Christ-like way. Those friend groups have been paramount in my life. I am who I am today because of those different seasons. Although I hardly see those friends anymore, we do have the joy of picking up right where we left off when we do get to catch up.

What about reasons? When you look back over the friendships that have shaped your life, do you also have those people who, for better or worse, taught you something? From the mentor who imparted wisdom and the coach who imparted courage, to the neighbor who taught you sharing or the difficult person who taught you long-suffering, we’ve had people in and out of our lives that seem to encapsulate a particular lesson.

Finally, there are those relationships that last a lifetime. The soul-connected friendship of a close friend like that described in John 15:13. The committed covenant relationship vowed in marriage. The unwavering love of a parent that doesn’t wane, no matter the age of their kids.

However, while relationships can add meaning to our lives, they can also be a source of heartache.

Perhaps one thing that can be so painful is the end of some relationships— especially when they don’t match the intended purpose. In particular, the relationships that are fundamentally intended to be life-long. The early death of a partner or parent. Divorce. Siblings cutting off from family. For those assumed longterm relationships, when incongruent or cut short, the pain is substantially deeper. Albeit from either conflict, brokenness or disaster.

This brings me to Jesus. Jesus’s abiding spirit is not seasonal. And while we have lessons we learn; His love, commitment and connection is forever. The book of Matthew ends with Jesus’s final words before ascending, “And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Mt 28:20)

Any other relationship will have an end. Jesus’s commitment to us is that he’ll never leave. That he’ll never give up on us. That nothing can ever separate us from His love. And this is good news.

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About the Author

Mike is currently serving as CitySalt's Transition Pastor during this unique season of our church. Mike is married to Britni D'Eliso and together they have two awesome elementary school-aged children. He loves working in his garden and connecting with people over coffee. One of his greatest joys in pastoring is helping others discover the fullness that God has for them through His Scriptures and His Spirit.

Forgiveness | Learning Boundaries Within Forgiveness

I had several close childhood friendships that began in first grade and lasted into my college years. Every long friendship has its ups and downs, but one of these was particularly challenging. Our first grade teacher often confused “Anna” and I because we looked similar with our long dark hair and olive skin. We had a lot of fun, going to Brownies meetings, celebrating birthdays, getting muddy during soccer games, and having New Year’s Eve sleepovers where we stayed up late playing Mario on the Nintendo.

But this friend had a cruel streak. During one of my sleepovers at her house, she wiped her spit all over a toy I was just about to play with. In middle school she stopped talking to me for more than a year because one day I chose to have lunch with another friend. In high school, she put gum in her toddler sister’s hair and lied to her mom about it when she tried to explain what had happened.

Anna became the high school friend who would tell me mean things other people said about me, who would never bring me along to a party, but would tag along with my group of friends if she didn’t have anyone else to hang out with. I stayed her friend despite her meanness, and perhaps in part because of it. I knew she did not have many close friends; no one wanted to be treated so poorly. As a new Christian, I felt it was my duty to forgive and forgive again in order to show God’s love. I was a Christian doormat in my effort to be a life witness to that friend.

Still, I knew Anna was not a person I could trust. I was willing to practice kindness towards her and spend time with her, but over the years I put up more and more internal walls between myself and her. She stayed in touch with me through college, but when it came time to plan my wedding I didn’t include her in the wedding party. I know this hurt her feelings, although she wouldn’t let me see that.

That decision showed the limitations of my forgiveness. I could forgive, and I could be kind, and I could spend time with her if she needed. But as a repeated witness and victim of her mean streak, our friendship could not be restored to what it would have been had my trust not been broken time and again.

She ended up not coming to my wedding, and not returning my phone calls afterward. That was the end of our fifteen year friendship. I’ve wondered at times if I made the right choice not to have her in the wedding party. Would there have been any harm in including another person? Or does her decision not to come to my wedding or talk to me afterward prove that I made the right decision?

Maybe the wrong choice was actually in allowing the friendship to continue as long as it did without standing up for myself.

In the book of Romans, Paul writes, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Carefully consider what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12: 17-18.

Yet, there is a difference between living at peace with everyone and allowing people to treat you cruelly and take advantage of your kindness. A friendship is something that should be mutually enjoyed and beneficial to both parties. My friendship with Anna had morphed into something that was not actually a friendship; it was more akin to me subversively attempting to mentor her or be her free therapist.

This was not fair to me, but it was also not fair to her. By allowing our friendship to continue for so many years without confronting her negative behavior, I was being an enabler. For my part, our friendship was serving the purpose of making me feel like a Super Nice Person and a Good Christian.

After all was said and done, was it worth the many years I attempted to be a life witness to Anna, the times I brought her to church, the times she treated me as the ugly and forgotten Cinderella

The last time I’d seen her was a month or so before my wedding. She was visiting me at my parents’ house in Eugene. Anna said she wished she went to church because there were so many beautiful churches in downtown Portland near her apartment. That year she had gotten a cross tattoo on her ankle. We talked about my wedding plans, her job at Stumptown, about my upcoming college graduation. She said she wanted to start reading the Bible and asked if I had an extra one she could keep. I looked around and found an old one I was no longer using, with a hardback lilac cover that featured butterflies. She gave me a hug and was on her way.

Years later I bumped into her at the grocery store, when my eldest child was still tiny. I hugged her and introduced her to my toddler, then chatted briefly before taking off. She seemed bewildered — by what exactly?

My friendliness? My motherhood? My glossing over of the past?

Yes, it was all of that. All of that, and so much more.

Forgiveness and relationships go hand in hand, and both are often more complicated than expected. No friendship can be sustained in the long run unless both friends are willing to forgive each other their mistakes. And yet sometimes we are not forgiving in order to restore the friendship — sometimes the friendship unfortunately cannot be restored. In these cases, we forgive in order to bring healing to ourselves.

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About the Author

Ursula and her husband Spencer have two young children, and their family enjoys playing hide-and-seek and dancing in the living room. She works as a communications and events coordinator with the University of Oregon. Ursula has also just become CitySalt’s new Children’s Ministry Director. Congratulations, Ursula! 

You can read more from Ursula at motherbearblog.com.