Fall is my favorite season of the year. It always has been and probably always will be. I love the colors, the chilly mornings, warm drinks and the overall idea of things changing so rapidly but still remaining so beautiful. This fall has been different for me, though. This fall has felt more like a frigid, dead winter. It has been a hard one.
I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty level-headed, steady-emotion type of person. I don’t stress out easily and I am typically pretty cool, calm and collected. Lately, though, I have been knocked down time and time again. I wasn’t playing it cool, I wasn’t calm, and I was definitely far from collected. My personal life was up in a whirlwind and as soon as I thought it was going to calm own, something else kicked that whirlwind back into full motion. I felt like I was in the ring with Rhonda Rousey and I was clearly losing.
I was in the middle of house sitting at a place where sleep was impossible when personal issues jabbed me in the left side. Then I found out my dad was in the hospital in Arizona where he was on a business trip. He loathes going to the doctor, so going on his own was a huge deal. Maybe some of you can relate? That was a jab to my right side. Maybe 24 hours later, I backed into a parked car; uppercut to the jaw. More personal matters; kick to the knee. Then the final blow – the KO – was in the midst of all of this, I completely forgot about the online class I was in and ended up two weeks behind, including my final project. I was done for.
During this time I experienced something I had never experienced before. I endured my first anxiety attack. I was in the guest bedroom of the house I was watching when all of the sudden fear overcame me. I had myself thoroughly convinced that there was somebody in the house with me. My heart was pounding, my mind was lost and my body stayed tense. I could not get myself to physically leave the bedroom. Nothing changed until I had to call someone to check out the house for me. I mentioned before that I am a pretty even-keeled person, so it was extremely frustrating that I even had to ask someone for help at the house.
It’s funny looking back now that I thought I had it all together. In my mind, I was handling it. It wasn’t until I received a text message from my mentor at my internship giving me the next day off that I cracked. I was driving out to the house I was watching to feed the dog. I pulled up in the driveway and glanced at the text message before going inside. She told me I needed a day to practice self-care and that is when it all clicked. As much as I thought I was handling this well, my soul was suffering from my lack of care.
The song that came to mind after this was “It Is Well” by Bethel. The song says,
“Through it all, through it all,
My eyes are on You.
Through it all, through it all,
It is well.”
It was such a “no duh” moment for me, that through everything I was going through during this season of my life, it can still be very well with my soul. No matter what it may be, big or small, we have a God that is bigger. We have a God that will take those burdens and carry them for the sake of the well-being of our soul. I was trying to take on the Rhonda Rousey in my life without “tagging in” the better contender who was waiting in my corner. The concept of soul care has been lingering since we introduced the new SoulCare Ministry at CitySalt. Denise Jubber has been such a great example of caring for her soul and has inspired me to find ways to do the same. I’m also very thankful this realization was before my favorite season is over so I can continue to enjoy this time of year!